This mind

This mind wants to hide from me, knowing it could hide from you, if it convinces me that it is not in control. So, when I expose it, by turning off for a moment and exploring the subconscious, the contents spill onto what's in front of me. It's difficult to dig back into that evidence. My thoughts are caustic, and have a tendency to incite an internal smolder. I speak of this, with you, often. Not with the outside world. If I were to tell them of these thoughts, I doubt...

I don't know.

I'm too afraid to try it.

Some days I consider that I should shed some friends, tell them how I truly see them. I'm talented at spotting deficiencies in those closest to me, and woefully naive about the motives of a stranger. I don't have any enemies, so I lack practice in that arena. I have decades of time-strained friendships. The longer you pick at the cracks in the armor of those closest to you, the deeper you understand how human they are. How imperfect.

Evil.

Maybe that's love. Having too many reasons to leave, but forgiving them everyday for finding your weakness, too.

This mind is efficient. It sorts so much input that it forgets detail. It forgets that the shade of the sky has changed. The blue is different today. It forgets the sun for the radioactive ideas which drive my activity. The internal battle devours half my waking life. My sleeping… no better--volcanic. I question, every day, the nature of my work, my leisure, and my consumption. Do I eat today? Do I watch? Listen? Relent to this mind.

Shall I pursue, or develop patience. What practice is next. Which must I un-learn. Where have my habits driven me?

I heard: "thinking is hard."

I scoffed.

Thinking is automatic, like breathing. Noticing your breath, however, takes practice. I forget it many times a day. Attention is a fading ability. Maybe they were right. Which of our fundamental natures will be sold next?

The popularity machine promotes authenticity.

I heard: "it's the highest vibration."

I wasn't yet aware that my atomic bonds were for sale.

This mind must make assumptions to retain its velocity. It moves faster than my eyes, my mouth, especially my hands. I must defy it to move my feet. The next step is always over-considered with expectations that will never come. This mind lives in the impossible future. It's too quick for now.

This mind cannot slow time, however. It always feels one step behind. Should have seen that, should have done different. Should... should.. should.

If only I spent that energy different, on the things that would have benefited this version, who took a path nobody could have predicted.

But, maybe I could...