my sunflower—50 words for love

my sunflower

my weakness

I've been hiding from your name and all the symbols and the handful of pictures that I can't rid my consciousness of

I can black the memories or blind myself with newness

but they are still living

your roots are rhizomes that shuffle over and bury, and bury, and scatter the ashes of potential that our love could have grown in

but you didn't love me, not that way

I need 50 words for love, to describe how I felt

care

respect

freedom

release

warmth

future

held

pleasure

death

joy

creation

close

religion

scripture

friend

forever

unconditional

surrender

home

breath

silence

peace

beauty

perfection

feeling

everything

soft

strong

forgiving

fierce

special

one

the

person

mine

yours

us

blossom

sweet

spicy

delicious

tender

painful

breathless

choking

tears

ties

wanting

needing

time-traveler

and I could come up with, reminisce, and invent hundreds more words and reasons and fantasies; but the only one that mattered,

the only one I couldn't have

51. trust

I think the one you wanted was the feeling that you could do anything and keep me. but that meant you had to concoct a torture-test. and did. unconscious.

when all the subconscious could do was scare us apart, chew on itself. show as sins, convince… lust: keep licking until we find the center.

devour, devour, until the canibal inside was empty like a prophecy

afraid of love

afraid of uncertain

afraid

of...

fear

our cycle

infinite

🌻