I’m Okay/Functional Depression

The button of my slacks popped free. Left it on the floor. Imagined myself stitching, fixing.

It stared at me: “tomorrow”

My thoughts made me laugh. Learning to enjoy insanity. The laugh made me cry. Funny emotions. They always subside, I say.

I’ll be okay: “tomorrow”

At least I got half dressed, my lower half. Got both shoes on, untied. The laces drag lines in mud and dust. Trip a few too many times. Frustration.

I’ll pay for mistakes: “tomorrow”

Made my favorite food. To look at. A taste of distraction. I’m not completely numb, yet.

I’ll enjoy that: “tomorrow”

I lay on cold hard ground. Curl into a comfy ball. The bed is too far. Too soft. I’m too tired to find rest.

I won’t be sad: “tomorrow”

Watched my dreams.

I am awake.

Can’t feel my body.

A nice escape.

Brought the dishes to the sink. The flies gathered on the grease. Chuckles found me: “remember that oven fire. You watched it like a fantasy.” At least I didn’t panic. Imagined the smoke engulfing me.

poof

“Are you sure it’s not still a dream?” A final magic trick. Bring me to a place that has no worry.

Threw the ashes in the dirt. The stains, the trays. The char.

“tomorrow”

Closed the door. A text from work. When do we start: “tomorrow”?

The phone at 5%. I hope it dies. The relief of a bad excuse. Ignore a few more calls. I prefer depression. On silent.

I’ll be better. I’ll be hungry. I’ll watch a movie. I’ll call home. I’ll clean my room. I’ll pay my bills. I’ll pray for you. I’ll study. I’ll hit the gym. I’ll brush my teeth. I’ll be healthy. I’ll be good. I’ll ask her out. I’ll read that book. I’ll take that class. I’ll go for a walk.

“tomorrow”

“tomorrow”

“tomorrow”

“tomorrow”

“tomorrow”

…

“tomorrow”

I’ll fix that leak, that squeak, that wobble, that whine. I’ll fix the complaints and my mistakes. I’ll watch the news, focus, pay attention. I’ll research our shared struggle. I’ll even plan to vote.

I’ll pay my taxes, show responsibility. I’ll feed the kids, wash the dishes, the clothes. Organize the office. Organize my life. Our life. Make real good plans for the future. Commit.

I’ll sign up, learn a skill, a language. Improve myself, for myself. Travel. Expand my vision.

I’ll build a social circle, I’ll reach out, and listen. I’ll be a better person. I’ll care, and be there. Tell my mom I love her.

“tomorrow”

Today I found a sad song. And it made me feel less alone.

I woke up today.

And the sun did not explode.

Today I felt like dying. But I didn’t.

So ya… now that you asked: “how are you doing?”

I’m good. Just fine. Alright. Not bad. Been better. Can’t complain.

I’m okay.

So okay that I’ll stay up late. Tomorrow can be far away.